Breaking My Silence

As I go through my healing process, my desire to speak publicly about how we treat abuse survivors gets stronger. I've thought about writing in my own name, or perhaps speaking about my experiences. I’ve decided that while suing my father would not make me feel more whole, being a voice for others still holding shame would be an expression of my truest self. It turns out that the decision making process is more complicated than that. 

One of many critiques that abuse survivors hear is how long we wait before speaking out or reporting. There's always this underlying assumption that speaking out is incredibly easy and straightforward. That's obviously not true, but I didn't realize until now that it's not enough to have done a lot of healing or feel ready. There are also some very real dangers. 

The first is the possibility of a defamation suit from the abuser. Even though I am telling the truth, and my parents hopefully wouldn't win the case, the possibility of a defamation suit is a huge deterrent. I absolutely plan to speak to a lawyer to find out how to protect myself, and to find out if there are certain criteria to meet to file such a suit. But this is one of the possible outcomes of speaking out, and it's devastating for survivors. Not only did we have to endure abuse, but we can actually be sued for speaking out about our experiences. 

The second fear, almost stronger than the first, is what my parents might do if I speak out. Will they endanger me or someone I love? Will they destroy my property or find some way to destroy my work? The people who judge abuse survivors will say that these are unfounded "irrational" fears. Yes, your father raped you throughout childhood, they will say, but he hasn't done that since you got married and moved away. Surely that's a sign that he's done teshuva? They will point out that my parents have been so "respectful" since I ended contact some years ago, not reaching out or coming to visit. It's a sign that they've changed, they'll say. 

Most people don't really understand the dynamics of abuse. My parents will stay as respectful as possible as long as certain conditions are met. However, if I speak out and mention their abuse, even if I don't name them, they might attempt to destroy everything around me.  

Wanting to appear to be kind, caring people, my parents have adopted an aura of victimhood around our estrangement, telling anyone who would listen that they are hurt by my incomprehensible choice to cut off contact. They will not welcome my growing into my strength or having any sort of voice. My parents will find a way to hurt me, if I break my silence. I am only protected as long as I protect them.  

As abuse survivors, we deserve to tell our stories without being endangered. We deserve to be protected. If we no longer want to hide behind pseudonyms, we deserve that, too. If we want to advocate for ourselves and others, we should be assured of robust backing.

I can’t count on any of that. But I’m still considering breaking my silence.